My Soul

okay.... well..... i think, nothing is okay! we barely talked since then, even though he gave me his hard disk, because my brother tries to repair it....
oh, shit..... i wish, we would never have done it! i mean, the act was okay and everything but i think, he thinks "well, i fucked with her.... why should i talk to her ever again?"
and i thought, we were friends or something, cause we had really great talks....

we'll see how it goes, when i see him again.... and when i'm drunk, i'm going to tell him, whta i think!

oh noooo....

we talked a little bit about IT yesterday... he asked me, if i was okay and he said, that he hopes, that nothing will change the things between us....
i told him, that i will be embarrassed and he said, that it's okay.... so everything is okay :)

i hope, i'll remember it the next time, i see him... i have to be cool, cause otherwise, the others will notice something....

WORST SITUATION EVER!

I look like a virgin... but I'm not anymore!
I really did it... I slept with him yesterday...

Well, from the top:
A few days ago, a friend of me cancelled on me, 'caus she has to study for her ABI... so i had nothing to do friday night. I wrote in icq as my message: Who has time on friday night?
He answered and said "me"... Well, my other friend was at a birthday party in a disco far away, so I went to him.... We watched a DVD, drunk a lot (well, he did, I drunk "just" 3 glasses, 'cause my stomached made funny noises) and slooooooowly he began to touch me. First he had an arm around me, then he touched my leg etc.
His dad was home, so we couldn't make out, while he was in the kitchen (HE sleeps in the living room... they've got a studio)... When the dad slept, we looked at the drawings, the wife of the dad made. They're really great!
Then he switched off all lights and I knew, what would happen... We went to bed. And, when I think about it, something funny happend:
He touched me, began to take off my clothes... and we were talking about the drawings :D
Well, then we kissed. A LOT!
I won't tell the details, 'cause the memories are too fresh....

Let's just say:
Once at night (it hurted a little bit) and then this morning again... and we weren't drunk the second time :-O
I think, it's okay... I don't feel different... Well, a little bit, maybe. It kinda hurts still, but not much. Just a little bit...

I'm the worst friend, anybody can have!
But it was just that one time! Okay, those two ;)
I don't think, that it'll happen again....
That's the best thing, that could happen:
Never ever again with him. We're just friends.

I think, I'm not able to look into his eyes the next time, I see him....

well, they're not togehter (yet). i don't know, whether they'll be together...

he asked me yesterday, if i want to visit him soon... i said yes and he told me, he wants to get me with his car on saturday....

we were in a cocktail bar again and he came a little bit later than us... there was a friend between us but he talked to me (i was soooo embarassed, 'cause it was the first time i saw him after my tell-the-truth-night.....).
they went to the bathroom and when they came back, he sat next to me... he started to talk to me all the time, had an arm around me etc.
and suddendly, he asked me, whether i could do it, even though i knew of the feelings of her...
i couldn't answer and then he asked me the question from above...

his hand was on my waist and hip and it was sooo hot.... and he smelled so f***ing good!
wel, she looked at us and almost killed us with her eyes, so i put his arm away...
well, she looked mad, even when we were just talking before!
does she know something?? i hope not and i don't think so....
she is so strange lately.... but not just to me, to everybody! it just sucks.... maybe she'll be different, when he's away....
i'll be different then, too.

maybe, i'll be different on saturday night....
oh my god, i really want to experience this... but i'm kinda scared, too....

well, we'll see... i know my life and my luck - nothing will be different!

okay, now i'm the last virgin between my friends.... well, okay, one is a virgin, too....
i don't think, that it's a contest or something like that, but.... it kinda makes me sad... because i'm (almost) the last one.... as usually.
and i don't think, that there's ever going to be a.... 6th?? time with him....

i kinda think, that my friend and he are kinda together now.
IT SUCKS

well, someday, somday I'LL find the ONE.... the perfect one....

haha, who am i kinnding? I'll NEver find him.... never ever in this f***ing world...

oh no, i was drunk yesterday and told him EVERYTHING!
he was at home and i wrote him in a chat....
i told him, that i like his smell, that i'm embarrassed every time i see him and that he kisses A LOT better than teh other guy....
and he asked me, how i feel 'bout our situation, whether i like doing stuff and whether i'm a virgin or not.... WAH!
well, i told him everything..... oh noo.....
i'll never drink alcohol again xD

he asked me, whether we could meet again.... alone!
i said yes....
i think in a few weeks, i won't be a virgin anymore ^^

saw him the day before yesterday....
can't stop thinking 'bout his smell....

Forgetting
U
Can
Kommen
!!

okay, this whole space-thing didn't work out the way, i hoped it would be. i went to him yesterday. with my friend. at 3 o'clock or something like that, she was tired und went to bed, i sat on the couch, watching a music channel and was half asleep, when i felt his hand on my leg.... he wanted to make out, he tried. but i was so scared of my friends return, that i didn't do anything. i just sat there, doing nothing, with his hand on/between my legs....
he was very disappointed, i could see it, when we went to bed.
i have to apologize.... i have to tell him, that i was scared, that my friend returns....
if she wouldn't have been there, i propably would have slept with him... :(
if i would have known, she wouldn't come, i would have kissed him. i wanted to kiss him so badly....

and i just LOVE his smell. i have to know the name of his parfum. it's very masculine... and i would give a LOT for smelling it again... for kissing his neck...
oh no, i have phantasies.....again.

p.s.: the song "flashing lights" from Kanye West will remind me of the time, we almost.... because we listened to it.

i knew, it wouldn't be over.... and it's not!
well, okay.... i'm happy for them! i honestly am!
i want to have somebody to love.... somebody, who loves me.
this hit me yesterday, while we were sitting in a bar and everybody had somebody to dance with, to kiss, t talk... i was just sitting there and was kinda depressed :(
my friend went to him afterwards and asked, if somebody wanted to come with her. i said no.
i've decided to see less of him, so i won't crave for the physical stuff...
i don't know, why i always think of him, when i'm thinking of it. maybe, because i kinda trust him, he's a friend of mine. maybe, because i almost did it with him. maybe, because i liked the one night, when he hold me so tight in his arms, even thought my friend was lying on the other side if him. i like it, when he looks at me and i'm too shy and have to look somewhere else. because there's this air around his eyes. it says something like "i wanted it. we'll have it. i like you. it's sweet, that u r so unexperienced."
okay, it sounds very bad.
i am NOT in love with him! i am defenitely NOT!!!

yesterday sucked!
my sister told my mum about this boy... she's pissed, so i wrote a letter today...

and also:
the guy and my friend had a fight because of nothing... and she ran out. i was in the room with him and didnt know what to do, because i wanted to stay, when i'm honest... but my friend had the car and i couldn't get home without her. so i left, too.
he wrote me later in a chat, that he wanted me to stay and i should come back. i know, what he wanted to do...
well, i couldn't go back, so we wrote a while. he told me, he wanted to end things with my friend... but i'm sure, they didn't break up. she suddenly was back in front of his house, because she "couldn't drive because of all the snow"... yeah, sure...

i want them to be happy, both of them, but i don't think, they ARE happy! they both want love. she wants him. he wants IT.

well, i don't know what to do, it's their choice. it's their life. but i don't want to see her broken. and i want to see him, even though they're not seeing each other.

he's moving to the capital in summer, so he won't be around in a fw months. maybe it's the best, that could happen to them!

i'm scared... because i know, he wants me. for it, not for ever.
and i know, i want him. for it.
but i also know, it would be a mistake. a BIG mistake. the biggest, i'll make. well, maybe not. i dunno.....
we'll see... maybe nothing will happen. maybe my friend and he are together again. okay, they've never been together, it's just an affair.....

oh, my life sucks!
i hope, my mom will see the letter, will read it and won't be pissed any more.

oh noooo....
yesterday was one of the worst days this year!
first of all, it was very cold. then my best friends grandpa died, that's why she didn't come and went with us in the cocktailbar (i can understand it!).
and then i had too many cocktails. well, actually, i had a caipi, then a little bit more than a half sex on the beach and another "half" of a sex on the beach.
well, i was a little drunk, but i was fine. then i had to walk 4km from the station home and i was totally fine, but a little bit cold.
when i went to bed, it began.
i shivered like hell. it was cold like hell. and suddenly, i had this strange feeling in my stomach...
i went to the bathroom and had to puke. UAHHH...

this was the first time i puked because of alcohol. and i wish, it will be the last!
i think it was the caipi.... never ever again!

i had a nice day... well, the class test in maths sucked...
but everything else was okay :)
i met my friend an we went shopping.... sunglasses, earrings, a bag and a new shirt! most of it is for thursday --->"FASNET" :)
tomorrow, we'll drive to stuttgart to see the musical "we will rock you".
hope i'll enjoy it!?

i made a decision:
never EVER again with him!
he's just a friend and my friend loves him....
it's a NO GO!
i'll keep it in mind.
after all, i don't think, he wants to make out again... i dunno....
don't hope so!

why is this so hard for me?
why is he saying and doing things like this?
i have to decide... but is there really a decision i can make?
he just said some things, he says to every girl (i think)... it doesn't mean anything! i mean, okay, maybe it means satisfaction or no satisfaction...
for him, it's a quest, i think... I'm the quest... i'm this little girl he wants... because he's someone, who really wants IT all the time... and he almost got me.... but he didn't get me... so he tries, so long, 'till he HAS me! and whats happening afterwards?? i dunno...
for me, it would be a life changing experience... i wouldn't be the girl, i used to be... i wouldn't be the little girl, i would be an adult (in a way)... there would be a bond 'till we're dead... 'cause it would be the first time... and every time afterwars would be compared with it...
i'm thinking too much! it won't happen the way, i imagine... no matter which way i imagine it...
maybe it'll happen, maybe not...

JUST DON'T THINK!
(and don't tell....)

it's just a friend, someone I really like, because I almost slept with him.... those are feelings of desire, of lust - friendship.

what's next?
what's about her???
she's my friend...

y does it has 2 be so hard?
y isn't there someone 4 me?